(A Satirical Report on Fictional Current Events)
By Jeff Tangel
Peace and democracy groups suffer while composting benefits
London based HSBC Bank, the world’s third largest publicly held bank, bought and paid for the right to do business with rogue nations, terrorist cells, and Mexican drug cartels, fair and square, on the World Trade Organization’s Social Responsibility Exchange (SREx). On the sell side was Goldman Sachs who claimed to be representing peace and democracy groups that would receive the proceeds as a social offset to HSBC’s dealings. The practice—quantifying and pricing ethical behavior—is the newest efficiency development, fully implementing the science of neoliberalism across all social spheres.
In what Goldman Sachs called “a glitch,” the money went into offset projects that composted the bodies of those killed in drug wars and general global mayhem for use as soil amendment on hybrid organic/GMO farms in poor urban neighborhoods. Perhaps not exactly what they promised, Goldman demurred, but a spokeswoman argued that in any case, “We’re closing a loop and helping folks build sustainable lives in troubled inner cities.”
When the well-known investigative reporter Matt Taibbi exposed the banks’ activities in Rolling Stone magazine movingly quoting the urban peasants, “Oh God, our compost is people!,” the Securities and Exchange Commission swiftly intervened and both HSBC and Goldman Sachs were forced to not admit or deny guilt and pay a fine amounting to a day’s pay for each of their top executives (CEO, CFO, and COO). SEC Director, Ben Dover called this a big win: “Ordinarily we’re lucky to get the CEO’s turkey sandwich out of his cold clammy hands . . .”
Free market advocates pointed out that at least HSBC and Goldman were creating jobs, buttressing their case by pointing out that democracy and peace don’t create jobs, businesses do. Funding anti-war and pro-democracy groups is “unfair and a waste of money anyway,” said Robbin Wantsalot, spokesperson for the Heartland Institute. “Competition and conflict are natural, and giving money to pro-democracy groups amounts to subsidizing their specific goals, giving them an outsized voice in the marketplace of ideas,” she added.
Chief Joseph Wiseacres, Financial News Analyst
Original Peoples Network (OPN);
Homage to Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce, (1840-1904)
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